tonight after work i am going to walmart and getting new workout clothes. about two weeks ago i bought new shoes for the gym and now i need new clothes. i like it all matching and this is just one of my many ways to make an excuse to not work out. as i said earlier i have a million excuses and im trying to not make excuses and just do it. its all about making the gym a routine like brushing your teeth. its not gonna be till almost 1am that ill be going to the gym but when i try to get up and go in the morning it never happens. im more of a night owl anyhow, so going to the gym after work should be no problem. i have this inner voice that is constantly telling me why i shouldn't work out, sometimes i have to tell my self over and over to work out to get to the gym, to eat right and sometimes when im busy or stressed i listen to that voice and wonder why i did after i eat a bad meal or skip the gym when i had every intention to go. sometimes i wish i could kill that inner voice and bury it in the desert so i don't ever have to hear it again.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
EATING OUT.......BAD
i mentioned that my down fall is eating out. so i took my bank account and added up all the times i eat out or get stuff from the grocery store that's not my normal groceries. the total was over 600 from may 1st to now...i was floored. i know i spend a lot on crap food but that much? it was a really big slap in the face. like "hey fat ass stop eating out.". so as of today the only day i will eat out is on Sundays when i go out with all my comic friends.
i haven't been to happy with myself lately and it shows in my attitude. Ive been short with people and on edge. the fact that i don't work out is a big factor. i pay 30 dollars a month and its not being utilized. there is a simple solution to this and that is actually go to the gym. i don't know where my motivation went. when i started the year and went 5 days a week, and now its no days a week. i need to buckle down and just go. its been so hard getting on any kind of routine because of the long hours and mixed up days Ive been working. ive been so worn out by the time i get home i crash. then when i get up im just as tired as when i went to bed. this coming week i go back to a more normal schedule so i can get back to the gym. i just need to get in there and make it a habit of going every day.
i haven't been to happy with myself lately and it shows in my attitude. Ive been short with people and on edge. the fact that i don't work out is a big factor. i pay 30 dollars a month and its not being utilized. there is a simple solution to this and that is actually go to the gym. i don't know where my motivation went. when i started the year and went 5 days a week, and now its no days a week. i need to buckle down and just go. its been so hard getting on any kind of routine because of the long hours and mixed up days Ive been working. ive been so worn out by the time i get home i crash. then when i get up im just as tired as when i went to bed. this coming week i go back to a more normal schedule so i can get back to the gym. i just need to get in there and make it a habit of going every day.
Friday, June 7, 2013
BEST LAID PLANS...
85 days left.
i worked 16 hours yesterday and was so worn out that everything i wanted to do i didn't i wanted to go to the gym, did i? NO. i wanted to not sleep all day, did i? NO. it seems one day into this and i'm still sabotaging myself. then i got off work from working from midnight to 4 pm and i was suppose to meet my friends Paul and Kelli for sushi at 9, so i set my alarm and turned my ringer off and went to bed. well i wake up at 11 pm and slept right through my alarm. i felt totally crappy about it and right away text Paul that i over slept and i was sorry. so feeling starved i went to smiths and got chicken nuggets, coleslaw, chips, cheese and ice cream. all of that is crap food. i find that my emotions are a direct link to when i eat shitty food. i always feel like Alice in wonderland cause i always give myself the best advice but i rarely ever follow it, and i'm always telling my mom what to eat and not to eat and here i am doing the complete opposite. i feel like an absolute loser when it comes to this. sure if your reading this your like "hey you just started" but i have been at this for years and i look back and think if i could have just got my shit together back then it would be a whole different ball game now. that maybe id have a better body and a healthier lifestyle, that maybe id have a boyfriend and wouldn't feel so lonely all the time, but that's a whole different story. i think i look in the wrong places for love. like that song...looking for love in all the wrong places.....now i have that song stuck in my head. i think i'm on the apps to much, that i'm not social enough in the gay world to meet guys. I've been pondering for a long time if i should just delete the apps all together. when i talk about apps i'm talking growlr and scruff and grindr. i deleted grindr months ago but cant seem to bring myself to dispose of the other two...i'm way off course... i just realized how true that statement is..way off course. i need to get back on the rails of my life and take control cause its never to late to fix your life and set it right...asap.
i worked 16 hours yesterday and was so worn out that everything i wanted to do i didn't i wanted to go to the gym, did i? NO. i wanted to not sleep all day, did i? NO. it seems one day into this and i'm still sabotaging myself. then i got off work from working from midnight to 4 pm and i was suppose to meet my friends Paul and Kelli for sushi at 9, so i set my alarm and turned my ringer off and went to bed. well i wake up at 11 pm and slept right through my alarm. i felt totally crappy about it and right away text Paul that i over slept and i was sorry. so feeling starved i went to smiths and got chicken nuggets, coleslaw, chips, cheese and ice cream. all of that is crap food. i find that my emotions are a direct link to when i eat shitty food. i always feel like Alice in wonderland cause i always give myself the best advice but i rarely ever follow it, and i'm always telling my mom what to eat and not to eat and here i am doing the complete opposite. i feel like an absolute loser when it comes to this. sure if your reading this your like "hey you just started" but i have been at this for years and i look back and think if i could have just got my shit together back then it would be a whole different ball game now. that maybe id have a better body and a healthier lifestyle, that maybe id have a boyfriend and wouldn't feel so lonely all the time, but that's a whole different story. i think i look in the wrong places for love. like that song...looking for love in all the wrong places.....now i have that song stuck in my head. i think i'm on the apps to much, that i'm not social enough in the gay world to meet guys. I've been pondering for a long time if i should just delete the apps all together. when i talk about apps i'm talking growlr and scruff and grindr. i deleted grindr months ago but cant seem to bring myself to dispose of the other two...i'm way off course... i just realized how true that statement is..way off course. i need to get back on the rails of my life and take control cause its never to late to fix your life and set it right...asap.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
THE FIRST ONE, A START
as the title states; i am CONTINUALLY QUITTING.
i have started many things in my almost 40 years of life, but finishing them is my down fall. i always have the best intentions, yet project after project has gone by the wayside. there are a lot of regrets i have in my life and i cant let them hold me back from something being completed ill be turning 40 in a few months, and i have come to the realization that i have accomplished nothing. i have started 3 novels, i have started t shirt printing ideas, i have a file folder full of art that is have completed. i could go on for days about what i have not finished. but the one thing that bothers me that i have not finished is loosing weight. i start diets i go full force and then......nothing.
i had seen this movie called "Julie and Julia", basic premise is the girl never finished anything and her husband says she should do a blog. so she sets off on a quest to cook all of Julia Childs recipes in a year. and during the movie she is explaining to her mother that its about finishing short term goals......i thought that's what i need. i could do a blog. maybe it would be therapeutic to write down whats wrong and how my struggle is going in this trying to complete something project. so here is the blog......and here is the first post.
i think this whole quitting business has affected everything in my life, from money to working out to keeping in contact with friends. my sister says its because i am and artist and i continually have new ideas and when i do i abandon what i was doing for the new thing....that might be right but i feel like i am the only one out there not accomplished, that i have nothing to show for myself. if i was to die tomorrow what will show of my life.....NOTHING. i believe that if i can get one aspect of my life under control and finish something that every thing else will fall into place.
i am my own worst enemy. i constantly cut my self down and sabotage my own efforts. who needs and arch Nemesis when i am my own. i am also the king of excuses. i can give you an excuse to not do something in a heartbeat. its a bad habit and i need to break it. i hold myself back from a lot of things that i want to do but feel that ill just fail at it or not finish it. i feel at times i am the only one that feels this way and that i am alone out there in this world of billions; i guess that's why i am here. if you notice there is no "about me" section on this blog, because if you read it its who i am, i am here bearing my soul every misspelled word and bad grammar sentence at a time.
the small goal i am going for is to change my body as much as i can by my birthday, August 31st, by change i mean loosing weight, building muscle, and loosing sizes in my clothes. i weigh 300 lbs i want to get down to 220 or 240. i wear a size 44 jeans, i want to get down to 36. i wear a 3 XL shirt and would like to be down to an XL. i don't think these goals are out of reach or out of bounds. i just need to be dedicated and forceful in my approach to this and not back down. NO EXCUSES, that should be my new mantra but i live by the one that's tattooed on my arm.....NOTHING CHANGES, IF NOTHING CHANGES.
so today starts the 86 day countdown to August 31st and my 40th birthday.
i have started many things in my almost 40 years of life, but finishing them is my down fall. i always have the best intentions, yet project after project has gone by the wayside. there are a lot of regrets i have in my life and i cant let them hold me back from something being completed ill be turning 40 in a few months, and i have come to the realization that i have accomplished nothing. i have started 3 novels, i have started t shirt printing ideas, i have a file folder full of art that is have completed. i could go on for days about what i have not finished. but the one thing that bothers me that i have not finished is loosing weight. i start diets i go full force and then......nothing.
i had seen this movie called "Julie and Julia", basic premise is the girl never finished anything and her husband says she should do a blog. so she sets off on a quest to cook all of Julia Childs recipes in a year. and during the movie she is explaining to her mother that its about finishing short term goals......i thought that's what i need. i could do a blog. maybe it would be therapeutic to write down whats wrong and how my struggle is going in this trying to complete something project. so here is the blog......and here is the first post.
i think this whole quitting business has affected everything in my life, from money to working out to keeping in contact with friends. my sister says its because i am and artist and i continually have new ideas and when i do i abandon what i was doing for the new thing....that might be right but i feel like i am the only one out there not accomplished, that i have nothing to show for myself. if i was to die tomorrow what will show of my life.....NOTHING. i believe that if i can get one aspect of my life under control and finish something that every thing else will fall into place.
i am my own worst enemy. i constantly cut my self down and sabotage my own efforts. who needs and arch Nemesis when i am my own. i am also the king of excuses. i can give you an excuse to not do something in a heartbeat. its a bad habit and i need to break it. i hold myself back from a lot of things that i want to do but feel that ill just fail at it or not finish it. i feel at times i am the only one that feels this way and that i am alone out there in this world of billions; i guess that's why i am here. if you notice there is no "about me" section on this blog, because if you read it its who i am, i am here bearing my soul every misspelled word and bad grammar sentence at a time.
the small goal i am going for is to change my body as much as i can by my birthday, August 31st, by change i mean loosing weight, building muscle, and loosing sizes in my clothes. i weigh 300 lbs i want to get down to 220 or 240. i wear a size 44 jeans, i want to get down to 36. i wear a 3 XL shirt and would like to be down to an XL. i don't think these goals are out of reach or out of bounds. i just need to be dedicated and forceful in my approach to this and not back down. NO EXCUSES, that should be my new mantra but i live by the one that's tattooed on my arm.....NOTHING CHANGES, IF NOTHING CHANGES.
so today starts the 86 day countdown to August 31st and my 40th birthday.
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